Help! What is Porn addiction?

Porn addiction seems to be everywhere in the news at the moment.

With people such as Ore Oduba and Terry Crews speaking openly about their experiences, more people are starting to ask themselves the same question:

“Could this be me?”

Before I trained as a sex and relationship therapist, I’ll be honest, I had a pretty skewed understanding of what porn addiction or compulsive sexual behaviour actually was. Like a lot of people, I wasn’t entirely convinced it existed, and I certainly assumed it was something that only affected men.

I now know neither of those assumptions are particularly accurate.

Through my specialist training, and additional training in compulsive sexual behaviour that I’m currently completing, I’ve developed a much more nuanced understanding of what can happen when sexual behaviour begins to feel out of control. More importantly, I’ve seen the enormous impact it can have on individuals, their partners and their families.

So, with all the recent headlines, I thought it might be helpful to answer the question that many people are quietly Googling:

What the hell actually is porn addiction?

First things first… the terminology

Let’s get one thing out of the way.

Within psychology and psychotherapy, there is still debate around the language we use. You might hear terms such as porn addiction, sex addiction, compulsive sexual behaviour, problematic pornography use or Compulsive Sexual Behaviour Disorder (CSBD).

This blog isn’t the place to get lost in the debate (I’ll save that for another day), but whichever term you prefer, we’re generally talking about the same thing.

It’s not about how often someone has sex or watches pornography.

It’s about sexual behaviour that feels out of control, continues despite negative consequences, causes significant distress or impairment, and repeatedly continues despite genuine attempts to reduce or stop.

In other words, the behaviour has stopped feeling like a choice.

It’s about far more than pornography

Compulsive sexual behaviour can present in lots of different ways. For example:

Porn addiction – pornography begins taking up increasing amounts of time, attention and emotional energy. Some people notice they need increasingly novel or extreme material to achieve the same effect, whilst others find their pornography use starts crossing over into behaviours they never imagined themselves engaging in.

Sex addiction– repetitive sexual behaviours (which may or may not involve intercourse) continue despite the person wanting to stop or reduce them.

Love or relationship addiction – someone repeatedly seeks the excitement, validation or intensity of romantic relationships, often moving quickly from one relationship to another despite experiencing repeated emotional harm.

Although these behaviours look different on the surface, they often serve a very similar psychological purpose.

So… how is it an addiction?

One of the biggest misconceptions is that addiction is about pleasure.

Actually, by the time many people reach therapy, they’ve often stopped enjoying the behaviour altogether.

Instead, the behaviour has become a way of coping.

It might temporarily reduce anxiety, numb difficult emotions, distract from loneliness, provide relief from shame, or simply offer an escape from stress or boredom. The relief is usually short-lived, and afterwards people often experience guilt, shame, regret or low mood.

Those difficult feelings then become the very reason the behaviour happens again.

It’s a cycle.

I often ask clients to think about alcohol.

Most people who drink alcohol aren’t addicted to it. The difference isn’t the alcohol itself, it’s the relationship someone has with it.

The same applies to pornography.

The question isn’t simply “Do you watch porn?”

The more helpful question is:

“What role is pornography playing in your life?”

If someone finds themselves spending increasing amounts of time planning, thinking about or engaging in sexual behaviours, experiencing negative consequences in their relationships, work or finances, but still feels unable to stop, then it’s worth exploring what’s going on.

Does watching porn mean I have an addiction?

Absolutely not.

Watching pornography does not automatically mean someone has compulsive sexual behaviour. Equally, having a high sex drive, enjoying sex, or having interests in kink or BDSM doesn’t mean there’s a problem either.

The issue isn’t what someone enjoys.

It’s whether the behaviour feels out of control and whether it’s causing significant distress or negatively impacting important areas of their life.

Could I have compulsive sexual behaviour?

One brief screening tool commonly used by professionals is the PATHOS questionnaire (Carnes et al., 2012). It isn’t designed to diagnose anyone, but it can help identify whether it may be worth exploring your sexual behaviour in more depth.

Ask yourself:

• Preoccupied – Are sexual thoughts or fantasies constantly taking up space in your mind?

• Ashamed – Do you keep your sexual behaviours hidden because of shame or fear of being found out?

• Treatment – Have you ever felt you needed professional help to manage your sexual behaviour?

• Hurt Others – Has your sexual behaviour caused emotional pain or distress to someone important to you?

• Out of Control – Does it genuinely feel as though your sexual urges are in the driving seat?

• Sad – Do you regularly feel low, depressed or ashamed after engaging in sexual behaviour?

If you answered yes to three or more of these questions, it may be worth booking in a session to explore this more…

That doesn’t automatically mean you have an addiction.

It simply means it may be helpful to explore what’s happening and what is going on for you right now. 

And perhaps the most important thing I want to leave you with is this:

There is a huge difference between shame and responsibility.

Many people spend years believing they’re “broken”, “perverted” or somehow beyond help. In reality, compulsive sexual behaviour is often someone’s best attempt at coping with something much deeper.

Therapy isn’t about judging you or taking away your sexuality.

It’s about helping you understand your relationship with sex, pornography or intimacy, reducing shame, and giving you back the freedom to choose, rather than feeling like your behaviour is choosing for you.

Please note: The PATHOS questionnaire is a screening tool only and is not intended to diagnose Compulsive Sexual Behaviour Disorder or any other condition. If you’re concerned about your sexual behaviour, it’s important to seek further support.